Every so often, I hear this question asked during initial interviews with clients. The answer should be no, but lets talk about about how to avoid this and pick the right doula for both you and your partner.
If you are still on the fence about having a doula because your partner isn't fully on board, take a minute to do some research about the impact a doula will have on your partner. You'll find that several dads have appreciated the doula's role and impact just as much as the moms!
You can read DONA's article here: https://www.dona.org/dads-doulas-myths-resources/
What I want to talk about more specifically is how to find a doula that works for both you and your partner. My biggest tip for interviews is to have your partner present at each one even if they aren't fully engaged. If your partner is shy, rest assured that most interviews are being held virtually, and they would hardly have to be in frame. Most guys have selective hearing, whether we like it or not, and they will be able to get an opinion on each doula you chat with just by listening to what they say and how YOU respond.
What to Look for During the Interview
The doula should always ask if you will have a main support person at your birth. She should make a point in getting their name and continue addressing them throughout the interview. When I am taking notes for a new client, I always write "Client's Name &....." at the top of my page so I remember to ask for the birth partner's name if I don't already have it. Your doula should have the attitude of working for both you and your partner, not just you. This will make your partner feel more involved and in control of the process. They will also get the idea that the doula respects their position as the main support person.
A good doula will help establish the birth team. She is going to want to do prenatal visits with you and your partner present. She will ask what each of your goals and desires are for your birth and combine the two together in a way that works for everyone. Some partners really want to be hands on, but they have no idea what to do. Your doula will take the time to teach you and your partner skills to cope with discomfort, get into positions, and encourage open communication. Your partner will be more likely to feel like they can be helpful and supportive when the big day comes.
Ask the doula how she gets the birth partner involved. I often find myself giving very simple, but important jobs to partners before and during labor. The very first chore I give the birth partner is creating a group chat for the three of us to communicate. They will be in charge of making sure mom eats and stays hydrated. This is a task they can own personally and its always encouraging to the partner when the help that they offer is less likely to be turned down. I also really enjoy teaching them all the different hip squeezes and counter pressure areas, which helps provide better pain relief for mom!
To summarize, you will want a doula that respects the position of the birth partner, finds ways to get them involved in the process, and reflects on their opinions and desires. This kind of attitude should be pretty noticeable if you are looking for it during your interviews. In the end, the most important part is to communicate with your partner how much it means to you to have a doula present at your birth, but hopefully seeking these traits in a doula will make your selection process easier for your growing family.
Comments