Who you decide to welcome into your birth space can be a big decision filled with excitement, limitations, and possibly guilt. It’s important to have boundaries and consider what each individual will bring to the space. Just because someone wants to be there with you doesn’t necessarily mean they should, even if they have every intention to be supportive. Carefully consider your options and discuss with your partner who will best serve as extra support when you go into labor.
Limit Your Numbers
Certain cultures and traditions may involve just about everyone you know to be present in the labor room, but I suggest considering a smaller and more intimate group of people that are going to focus on you. If you really do prefer to have the attention to be less on you, then, by all means, invite your great aunt Tessie. Needless to say, labor requires concentration, and it helps when you have an attentive support team ready to aid you.
In most cases—and ignoring Covid for a minute—you won’t be able to bring more than a couple people directly into the room alongside your partner and yourself. If you have a doula, she is typically an established part of the birth team and won’t be considered a visitor. Birth centers are open to more visitors, whereas hospitals tend to prefer less, so I'd suggest picking up to two extra people to support you in the labor room.
How to Choose
It cannot be understated that the people you welcome into the birth space need to be people that both you and your partner agree on. Some good traits to look for in people you want to have with you include being: calm, patient, helpful, and comforting. Neither you nor your partner should feel like they need to be catered to, and you should feel relaxed when they are in the room. Also, they should be willing to step in if needed, but not overstep the partner’s or the doula’s role. Try to find someone who you know is not going to be offended if they aren't asked to do anything and are content to sit back and let things be. This is a great quality that is easier said than done, considering it can be quite difficult to watch a loved one go through something as difficult as labor.
Has someone experienced childbirth before? Great, but that’s not an automatic in to your birth club. Nothing bothers me more than when a support person won’t stop talking about their own birth while a laboring mom copes alone during a contraction. Maybe they even had a fast labor without an epidural and pushed baby out in thirty minutes. Great for them! But for you, nothing will kill your morale faster, and the last thing you need is someone to constantly compare yourself to. The person who has experience should only be bringing compassion and empathy, so pick those who will leave their personal stories at the door.
You don’t HAVE to pick your mother or your partner’s mother, for that matter. Sisters, friends, or even cousins can make for great options. Just because someone doesn’t ask to be there doesn’t mean they don’t want to be. Reach out to someone you trust to chat with them about their comfort level and how meaningful it would be if they attended your birth. Give them time to respond and try not to be offended if they decline. In the end, you need the people who want to be there with you.
Compromising
Has someone insisted they be present at your birth and won’t back down? Well, they just proved why they are not a good choice! Instead of giving in to their demands, try to offer them other roles to support you in, like being the first to bring you a hot meal when you get home. Postpartum is challenging, and they may better serve you with diaper changes and laundry duty. Sometimes, you can put them in charge of communicating with the rest of your family during labor and delivery so you don’t have to. Perhaps, you can have them labor with you at home and then part ways to go to the birthplace with your partner and anyone else you did choose. If this still isn’t good enough for the person, be firm in communicating that this is your birth plan and no changes will be made on anyone’s behalf besides you and your partner.
Choosing No One
Yes, choosing no one is an option! You can always decide to have just you and your partner at the birth of your baby. This has been one of the best decisions my families have made time and time again. I have attended more births with just mom and dad than I have with larger support groups and I think it’s a fantastic option. You don’t need to bring someone just to bring them. If you are seeking a calm and intimate birth experience, I highly suggest going this route. Family and friends can always wait until you get home to be supportive. Let your loved ones know this is the decision you and your partner have made and don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about it. You should feel proud in doing what is best for you.
Final Word
Bring those who you believe will respect your choices, boundaries, and efforts during your birth. It’s called a support team for a reason! If at any point someone is not doing these things, ask them to leave the space. Plan with your doula or partner if you don’t think you will be able to communicate this on your own. When my moms give the signal, I will happily ask someone to step out of the room if they are no longer contributing in a positive way. Your most trusted friends and family will have your room flowing with affirmations and encouragement if you so choose to bring them along. If not, enjoy the intimacy of just you and your partner (and perhaps your doula) bringing your little one into the world.
Comments